A Cheap Trick and Cheesy One-Liner
by Devil's Dandruff
Summary: What does Tony Stark, a billionaire, playboy and philanthropist, do on his downtime? Nothing much... just his usual shenanigans, and he's dragging Pepper and Bruce down with him.


**AN: **This is meant to be a funny, light-hearted fic... and I can only hope I succeeded because what I usually read/write is so sad you just drop to your knees and sob. Multi-chaptered with the first couple involving mostly Tony and Pepper, but don't worry, Bruce comes in later (science bros ftw). Other Avengers are only mentioned. I would really appreciate feedback, since this is the first fic I've published. Thank you for giving me a chance!

Also, thanks to my beta reader, without whom I wouldn't have been able to write this. Read her stuff on our joint account!

**Written By: **Zykopath

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _The Avengers _and so on and so forth.

* * *

Boredom is like a disease to Tony, an itch that yearns for stimulation. The excitement and activity of what he now refers to as _the incident in New York_ certainly ebbs as time ensues, and the present calm is such a sharp contrast to the dizzying chaos of his prior experience that he now frequently seeks mental stimuli to occupy the void that became his daily life; he requires distractions to prevent his thoughts from straying to topics he would much rather avoid or memories he's determined to forget. (Yet his mind, generally an advantage with its superior capacities, is an anathema as well, often reminding him of _New York_ in the form of grotesque, gruesome dreams that cause him to wake in a chilled sweat as he chokes on a scream, but that's another issue entirely.) Tony, of course, never confronts personal issues directly, and instead circumvents them with frivolous endeavours, such as what he presently engages in: repairing and improving his Iron Man suit that is now in ruins due to the devastation of _New York_. AC/DC blasts in the background to ward off the tumult of his thoughts, ensuring that he focuses solely upon the task at hand; however, it also ensures that he is deaf to the approaching intruder until it's far too late.

"Tony!" a voice yells, shrill in its feminine lilt, though much of it is lost within the blare of music. Still, he swivels from his work to the imposing figure of an infuriated Pepper in the doorway to his lab, whose mouth is, he only realizes now, still moving; she's clearly in the midst of a tangent, though Tony couldn't discern a word of it with the cacophony of noise currently resounding throughout the room.

"JARVIS, volume to ten percent," he instructs, then asks Pepper in exasperation, "What is it? You know I've told you not to come down here when I'm working." He enjoys the experience of full immersion into his work, and loathes interruption; Pepper is fully aware of this, and thus he couldn't fathom the reason for her presence here now. Recently, however, she is making a habit of frequently accompanying him throughout the day, shadowing his every move in the aftermath of _New York_, producing the excuse that she merely needs to update him on company news, even though this is not consistent with her prior behaviour before _New York_; she knows Tony, occasionally, requires his isolation, but now she's denying him such a luxury, causing him to withdraw all the more.

However, he figures her borderline-smothering is only because he has forced her to experience grieving him, and even if her taste of loss has only been brief, the pain it inflicted upon her is still a raw wound gaping within her. Moreover, his recent descent into his previous self-destructive behaviour is most likely worrisome, but true to his proclivity, he will always deny such a fact.

"You woke me up _hours_ ago!" Pepper retorts, reciprocating his exasperation. "I haven't been able to sleep with this banging and clanging you're doing—and what's with the music? Are you hosting a rock concert in here? Not even the construction guys are this loud!"

Tony suppresses a grimace at the mention of the ongoing restoration project currently ensuing within Stark Tower; they're scheduled daily to rebuild the portions of his tower that received the blunt of the devastation _New York_ wrought upon it. Tony desperately awaits its completion, yearning to retreat to California but, because of Pepper's insistence, lingering here to supervise the restoration. However, the frequent reminders of the violence and death that occurred here are straining Tony's sanity—and, he regretfully admits, this elicits a great deal of Pepper's concern.

"Alright, alright," he replies, acknowledging her agitation and attempting to placate it—and, believing their conversation has reached its conclusion, he turns back to his workstation. "I'll turn it down a notch. Okay? Happy?"

Silence is his only response for a few long moments, however, and it's so atypical from the rebuttal he expects that he pauses, abandoning his work once more to return his attention to Pepper, swivelling to face her. He's confronted with her particularly sullen expression, her lips pressed in a thin line as they tend to do when she's in the midst of contemplation. She seems to be considering him if the intensity of her gaze upon him is any indication, and he suddenly feels uncomfortable within her scrutiny, though he—albeit with effort—refrains from the caustic remark that would typically spill from his lips to detract from his discomfort. He's rewarded with her quick explanation, preceded by the sigh she expels from her lungs. "No, I'm not _happy_... Not when you're not. You've been working here, obsessively, alone, and... You just need to relax, Tony. There's no need for all _this_—" she gestures to the surrounding chaos of equipment and machinery surrounding them, "—anymore. It's over now. Okay?"

Throughout her reprieve, she draws nearer to Tony, attempting to close the distance separating them, and he allows her, albeit reluctantly and against what his proclivity generally dictates.

"C'mon," she urges, smiling tentatively and seating herself on the arm of his chair, placing a hand upon his shoulder, "I'm awake and dressed now... and I'd like some company for an early morning walk."

Tony, suddenly, is overcome with a realization; he finds himself thinking, _'When the hell did _morning_ happen? I thought it was two in the afternoon.'_ And this leads him to the notion that, perhaps, Pepper is right; he may be beginning to lose himself within the fervour of his work, yet he will vehemently deny such a fact, as is his wont. "So I had a little all-nighter... that doesn't mean I'm _obsessive_. Besides," he continues, gesturing as if to emphasize the lack of windows to provide illumination into the room and indicate the passage of time, "JARVIS didn't tell me what time it was, so I lost track."

"As I recall, sir, I did not inform you of the time because it was your direct instruction not to do so."

_'Damn it, JARVIS.'_ Tony can't bend the truth with his painstakingly precise AI near. He needn't lift his gaze to Pepper's face to witness the pointed I-told-you-so expression manifesting there, and Tony is unable to prevent his sheepishness—or his vaguely defensive response.

"I can't focus with him interrupting like that," he says, while Pepper sighs.

"This is _exactly_ what I'm talking about."

She doesn't sound satisfied with being right—more so exasperated—though still, Tony snorts at her hypocrisy. "Isn't this whole 'obsessive' thing the pot calling the kettle black? What do you even talk about that doesn't involve work?"

"Tony—"

"No, seriously, it's always _blah, blah, blah, work this, work that_—"

She abruptly rises from her seated position with a faint huff. "So we _both_ need a break. Now c'mon," she urges, coiling her fingers around his arm and yanking him from the chair, "let's go. I'm sure you've forgotten what sunlight is with how long you've holed yourself up in here."

Tony is too preoccupied with maintaining his balance as he's dragged toward the exit to respond, which is just as well; clearly Pepper is impervious to whatever argument he could dole out, determined to enforce this quality time together upon him. Soon, they emerge from the stale, corporate air of Stark Tower into the lingering chill of early pre-dawn, the black of night still dissolving from the sky above as they embark upon their journey toward the twisting, labyrinthine walkways of Central Park. Already, however, a potent bout of boredom is suffocating Tony within its grimy clutches, and the lack of preoccupation is beginning to erode his resolve; he feels the recollections of _New York_ bludgeoning against his mind, the memories threatening to overwhelm him if he remains idle for much longer. Still, he initially engages Pepper in conversation, if only to humour her, but he begins to tire of the mundane topics their verbal exchanges tend to embody these days; with the talk of both Pepper's management of Stark Industries and Tony's construction of an evolved suit barred from their conversation, they quickly find that there is little else to discuss, and the sudden awkwardness that begins manifesting between them where there is previously fondness is almost palpable. Thus, both Tony's thoughts and his gaze drift, seeking salvation in the faintly rustling trees now encompassing them and various other foliage scattered throughout the park. Then, his eyes inexplicably stray to a woman who jogs toward them along the same sidewalk as she redirects her path so as to avoid a collision with Tony and Pepper; she has a cascade of brunette curls captured within a swinging ponytail and full lips that twisted into the slightest enticing smile while her gaze lingers fleetingly upon Tony. Her sleek black outfit outlines the curvatures of her body, accentuating her figure while maintaining a hint of grace but a dollop of sensuality. She evoked his interest with her allure, and he thinks his appreciation of this woman, this enigmatic stranger, may have been far too obvious because, too soon, he receives a hard smack on the arm that jolted him from his gawking.

"Tony! Were you listening to me?" The annoyance evident in Pepper's voice steals Tony's attention, and with haste he is meeting her irritated gaze and the matching scowl that contorts her pretty face. If Tony knows what's best for him, he would quell her imminent fury with an apology, then drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness.

Unfortunately, Tony Stark is not a man who knows what's best for him. "I was," he says instead, "but then you must've bored me."

As always, Tony merely digs himself further into a hole.

Meanwhile, Pepper fights the urge to roll her eyes, though she doesn't succeed. "Or something with a pair of breasts walked by," she mutters, knowing Tony and his penchant for promiscuous women far too well. According to her, he's reminiscent of a child with attention deficit encountering a shiny object.

Now he appears affronted. "I don't like what you're implying."

"And what am I _implying_? That you're a big man slut who'll sleep with anything that has boobs?"

"Only nice ones," he corrects. "Yeesh."

"Point proven." She is no longer looking at Tony, her head pointedly turned in a different direction as a blatant signal of the end of this conversation, but when she hears that grating voice again after only a few moments, Tony thinks she is forced to wonder how a man so brilliant could manage such stupidity.

"I'm not a _slut_..." he's saying. "That's such a dirty word."

Pepper snorts. "What would you call it, then? A hoe? Either way, you'd never attract a decent guy if you were a woman. Not with your cesspool of diseases."

"Whoa, hey. Now that's just cruel."

"Sounds like someone can't admit the truth."

Tony scoffs. He cannot allow such verbal attacks to his impressively massive ego go unheeded. "No way. If I were a woman, I'd easily be a solid ten—not only do they get this—" he gestures toward his subtle but impeccably crafted chest and abdominal musculature, which he's certain would become something just as alluring to the opposite sex if he's a woman, "—but hey, genius here! They get a lady with a brain, too." He looks decidedly smug, which evokes a resounding sigh from Pepper.

"Oh, a _brain_," she repeats in a tone devoid of humour but emanating sarcasm. "So _that's_ what you were ogling on that scantily-dressed woman earlier. Could've fooled me."

"Well, I—" Although it's rare but certainly not impossible, especially when it's Pepper he stupidly engages in an argument, Tony fumbles for words, rendered into a fleeting speechlessness, and his inherent intellect now useless, as always, when it comes to freeing himself from the hole—or is it now a grave?—that he has dug.

Fortunately, Pepper saves him the trouble, though not without the touch of a victorious smile lifting the corners of her lips. "No need to defend yourself," she tells him, at which Tony scoffs once more, feigning indignation.

"I wasn't," he rebukes, even though he clearly has been in the midst of attempting to. "And, anyway," he continues, finally managing to conjure a suitable excuse for his actions, and yet, it's so foolish, it isn't apparent that he thought about the reply at all. "I was merely observing for scientific reasons. Research and all that good stuff." Despite the innate stupidity of that response, the smile still remains upon Pepper's face without even a falter, piquing Tony's suspicions. "I don't trust that look," he says. "What're you thinking?"

"Oh, nothing," Pepper replies smoothly, even as her smirk widens. "I just wanted to say that you're right. You'd make a great woman."

"Finally!" Tony says, gesticulating victory with his hands and temporarily overcome by triumph... until the confusion sets in. "Wait, what? I'm right?" His brows rise to depict his surprise.

"Yes, I'm _sure_ of it..." she goes on, even though sarcasm is still evident in her voice. "But it's who you'd attract. You're too much of a slut to get one nice guy—even _with_ that big head of yours," she adds when Tony opens his mouth to protest.

Now, effectively rebuked, he falls silent for a moment, considering, while his own conniving smile spreads onto his face. "Is that a bet?"

Pepper's smirk becomes decidedly more devious. "Yes, actually, it is. I think you should join a dating site as a woman and see just what kind of sleaze bags you attract."

Tony isn't particularly averse to this idea; if anything, it would distract him from his thoughts while providing him with a mild form of amusement, so he merely states, "I wouldn't think you're the betting type."

"Well, I am dating you, aren't I?" she snorts, smile fading somewhat, while Tony's brows incline upon his forehead as he deliberates between a response of amusement or offence.

"Hey," he begins in meagre protest, then sighs. "Point taken." Still, he smiles at her. This banter they share is precisely what Tony is desperate for. He truly enjoys and misses the more playful aspects of Pepper's character, yet since _New York_, he is no longer privy to her teasing, and each conversation they partake in contains a serious or terse quality beneath their pretense. He's thought all has changed after _New York_, but this, he's glad to find out, hasn't. Perhaps they're merely avoiding the issue with such pleasantries, though Tony, of course, doesn't mind, as he now experiences a warmth within him that he has forgotten he knew. "So, Ace," he says, "what's your wager?"

"If I win..." she answers slowly, as though she's considering her response, although Tony figures she has had something formulating within the confines of her mind ever since the vaguely impish smile curled her lips, merely awaiting to reveal it at his prompting. "...you have to sit down with Steve and teach him how to use an iPhone."

Immediately, Tony groans. "That's it. Just send me off to those corporate meetings instead because I'd rather suffer though _that_ than teach the Capsicle anything to do with technology," he mutters while Pepper smirks knowingly.

"I guess you'll just have to win, then."

"Don't worry, Pep, I'll win," Tony assures her with an expression of reciprocated mischief as he imagines the only worse punishment... "And when I do," he continues, "you'll be teaching Point Break the ways of the iPhone."

Pepper clearly did not anticipate this convolution of events—if the series of frowns that now crease her forehead are any indication as she exclaims, "Oh c'mon, do you have any idea how many iPhones Thor'll go through?!"

"Mark it as a company expense." Tony waves his hand dismissively. "It'll be worth it just to see his meltdown after he loses _Angry Birds_ for the first time."

Pepper's prior determination and confidence return to her face, and he thinks he must be influencing her far too much in their relationship because she now manages to appear vaguely smug. "You've got a deal—since, you know, it's not really a bet for me because that implies a chance of losing."

Tony merely stares at her, his pride intermingling with his indignation; such a statement so perfectly emulates a rebuttal he himself would provide that he can't help but silently approve of it.


End file.
